i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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