i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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