Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
