she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize