I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
