is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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