Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
