If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
