I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
