Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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