3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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