my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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