His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
