my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
