Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
