Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize