You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it's like iHOP with fire
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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