I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
