the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
