The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
