You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
