please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
