She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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