Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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