How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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