Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
