i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
