i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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