Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
