i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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