I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
