you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize