Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
