Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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