kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
