Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
