I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
