Im at strip club and am horny
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
