I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
