I'm going to jail i love you
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
