So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
