Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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