Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
