dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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