You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
