If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
