he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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