apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is it because I queefed?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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