When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
