OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize