i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
