I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
