Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
