look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
