So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
