My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
