this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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