hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize