if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
