Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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