i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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