My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize