took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
