I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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