i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
