that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
