when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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